& what is the work of this god?

I turned thirty-five this weekend.

Thirty-five is one of those times when people go SO HAVE YOU FIGURED OUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING WITH YOUR LIFE, THEN? a lot. (Often, in my case, coupled with, “Weren’t you at law school anyway, what happened to that?” to which the answer “I was raped and had a nervous breakdown” is generally considered awkward and unacceptable.)

I’m putting this pressure on myself a lot right now, especially as my ESA won’t run a lot longer and I’ll have to do more than the ~permitted work~ freelancing I’ve been doing. Because of course what people mean is, DO YOU FINALLY HAVE A CAREER HOW ARE YOU MAKING MONEY NO SERIOUSLY WHAT DO YOU ~DO FOR A LIVING~. (And hell, what I’d LOVE to be doing is going back to uni to actually *study what I’m interested in* for the first time but ahahah money >.<)

And…they don’t really go for answers like “ritual sodomite” or “oracular madman” or “witch who does weird shit with bones and words” or “ecstatic devotee of gods you think are dead”. But…maybe I need to accept that that’s what I’m doing with my life and I actually *have* figured that out, in a way, really. I mean, it’d be nice if it paid more, but…I *am* doing those things, they’re what I’m ~doing with my life~, and have been for a hell of a long time.

Yeah, I need to obtain money because: got to eat, roof over head, poverty is exhausting etc etc. But I need to stop beating myself up because I’m 35 and I don’t Have A Career. Because…I have a Call, and an Obligation – and I need to stop buying into the idea that that’s less important than where my money comes from.

(…I still need some fucking money, ta.)